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Trust Hurts, Betrayle Kills,

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3rd April 2005

darkerb_droses12:48am: i want to commit suicide. it is such an easy thing to do, and it's no stranger to me. an old best friend of mine hung herself a few months ago, and i guess that's the only reason i can't. it affects people so deeply, you can't even imagine unless it's happened to you. my friends are always disappointed in me when i cut, but i can't help it. it's my way of letting go of any type of pain, crying can't do that, yelling doesn't either, but when i take one of the razorblades i keep for myself and grace it across my skin, it feels so good. i don't see why it's so bad, you would think after my best friend hurting herself so much that it ended in death, that i would want to stop, but i don't. i want to leave this world. i want to know what comes after this endless procession of my life, where all i do is breathe, drink, sleep, fuck, and hurt myself. i'm so sick of it and i don't know how to change. cutting is like a drug to me, i tried giving it up in october and i was "sober" for 5 months when i was involved with a boy that meant so much to me, but then we separated and the feeling came back with so much passion, like it was trying to get revenge on me. i want to either give up and cut my wrists on the bathroom floor until i bleed to death, or find a way to change so that i'm not so dependant on self mutilation. i hate change, and i can't change for any reason. i've been this way ever since i discovered that masochism existed, and i would do anything to not be such a failure to myself and others...

but i can't/won't take the effort to change.

7th March 2005

saiyanqueen7:25pm: i need help. my heart is cracking beyond repair. the blood runs down my arm on to the floor , and i feel light headed. all i want is a friend , but that seems like too much to ask.
Current Mood: I Wanna Die

10th August 2004

xshootingstar_x9:45pm: Please by the way,for all those that joined.Don't leave!I know I won't get the chance to talk much on live and help people but stay with me.I love you all!!^______^
xshootingstar_x9:12pm: Hey there!I'm the the person!^__^ That created this community!So anyways!I'm soooooo extremely glad that people are writing!This is a great thing!Sorry I'm a little hyper.
Okay let me share something with you all!
First of all I made promises to myself and others that I would never attempt to commit suicide.It just seems so stupid now.But I think my evil twin which I like to call aka.The DARK SIDE!has escaped to kill my thoughts about not doing it.
I broke up with my boyfriend just yesterday he said that he needed time to think things over and to clear his head.Besides he was really screwed up in the head by our relationship.I was so deversted to hear it I mean I love him so much it's torture now that we're nothing.
Not only that but it feels like he totally hates me like a new side of him has come out.
It's been so long since he's called me.It's been forever since he last reminded me he loves me.And it seems like he even let the fire in our relationship die out.It's as if he noticed the fire dying and didn't put wood in it to feed it.
But that's how it feels.I can't change what's done,he hates me and I know it.
I don't know how much longer I have to suffer for him I attempt everything.I pour my heart out in letters on the phone to him,I cry my eyes out for him.I remain loyal by his side.I try to be calm and hold back my tears but it's just gets hardier.He doesn't even bother to ask my how I am with it all.All he cares about it how screwed up he is.How fucked up it's made him.
I've suffered so much for this guy.All this time I've been holding all my pain in until it finally made me ill.I'm pale now,I've lost weight because I haven't been eating anything.I been up all night yesterday on my bed crying my eyes red because it's over.He still wants to make out with me he said that we'll be just friends.But what's beening and kissing him now mean if it feels empty.It's like a cheap fuck or kiss.It doesn't mean anything.We're just friends.I don't want to be his friend I want to be his girlfriend.I liked it the way it was before.
The most painful thing I can think of is two things he hates me and facing him when school starts.I don't know how to act around him anymore.Should I be angry,should I walk away holding my tears in?should I put my mask on pretending I'm cheerful and happy when I'm really not?Or should I say nothing at all and make him hate me and care less?
Now that he's left me I've lost my reason to live.I don't want to cut myself anymore.I've suffered too much pain already.If he thinks it's worse for him.He hasn't even hear my story.I don't want to be selfish and center this problem all around me.But has he bothered to ask me?I don't want to make to blame it all on him because it's not his fault either it's both our faults.Our trust and love was easily broken and we grew apart.

I don't want to cut myself,I don't want to sit in the tub of the bathroom leaving scar and slitting my wrists.I tried drowning,posioning,cutting my throat,.And even pills.But I just can't do it.I almost did it last time.But I don't how long my barrier of suppression can last before I finally lose it and pick up a knive
Current Mood: hopeful

3rd July 2004

lbchan9:43pm: Hey! I've had thoughts about cutting myself and have cut myself in the past. I have a few scars on my wrist to prove it. But I haven't felt that way recently though. And I don't ever want to feel that way or do that again. My scars are slowly fading away and I'd rather not add any new ones to the collection. I joined to group because, if I ever felt that way again, I wanted people who inderstand me to talk to. Also, I wanted to stop others from feeling that way.
Current Mood: okay

22nd June 2004

_ceci_1:02am: Yesterday I felt horrible too; it hadn't been a week since the last time; I was arguing with my boyfriend but this once, instead of taking the scissors, I went and talked to him. He had told me he doesn't want me to hurt myself that way, but lately it's the only way I find to calm myself, specially when he leaves... But I know he'll get tired of my childishness so I'm trying to be strong. And it was really worth, because he hugged me and was so gentle. I'm glad everything turned out fine ^_^. Excuse my english, I mean if something isn't clear ^^¡
Current Mood: calm

20th June 2004

xshootingstar_x1:02am: Hey,What's up?I haven't been writing anything lately.But this is the same person you know Uchiha_sama just I have a new journal!Well welcome new people.I'm happy and overjoyed new people have joined!The suicide thought are calming down.My friends are supporting me through it.But i hope noone starts cuttingn themselves.I have many cuts on my wrist and I have on my legs.From my parents or self-infliction.It's a bitch.Don't........

16th June 2004

_ceci_10:42am: hi
Should I introduce myself? ...Though I'm fine right now, I think about cutting myself -and I do cut myself- kinda often. Like I said, I'm happy now and I hope I never do that again, but since no one I know has ever done that, I thought it'd be nice to join here. I don't think I'll post a lot, but it seems like a cool place. Just wanted to belong.
Current Mood: numb

15th June 2004

ex_uchiha_sa3377:17pm:

God,It feels so lonely.The world is aganist me now.All because I said one little thing in my journal about it being boring in Amanda's house.What do you want me to lie?.

Again I've thought about suicide,again.....it's hard to try to stop these thoughts.Yet,I don't have anything here holding me back,I don't have anything in mind I would wish to want to do.I can't even play or draw something that would make me happy.Not even singing is working and that always seems to help.I'm consumed with lonilness.I feel like my relationship with someone is breaking.It's shattering apart for gods sakes she deleted those journals I made for her.Of Yuki,Ryuichi,and some other one.She must hate me that much.I can't stand the thought of it,it just makes me angry.And anger whelmed up with my own sorrow.I just sit here wishing I would die,wishing someone would just kill me now.Wishing I was now even existed upon this world.I just want to die...I don't know what to do...I've lost all reason.I feel like I'm losing my friends,I'm lonely everywhere I go,and I'm always sad..............that's it i'm gonna play with knives....I promised the counsuler I won't cut myself but...it's not cutting the real duel it's more like inflicting just pain to drown down my misery.

Current Mood: blank
shallow_memory4:12pm: Even though I tired my efforts ended up as a failure.
I tired to put her in our conversations. I did I could tell that she didn't want to be here and I think she only was because I didn't have a ride there.  God I love both of them dearly and I hope it all works out. My thoughts ended up with sadness that day I was hurt that day because I love my friend and I couldn't help her I know that if I ask her what I can do, she'll just say nothing and push me away. i want to be there for both of them but how can I. For the first time in two months I thought about suicide.
Current Mood: glooy

14th June 2004

ex_uchiha_sa33710:33pm: The Unsupressing Loneiless Driven Inside~

I would of loved it if I were anywhere but there with them.I felt ignored and I felt alone.It must of been the 10th time because I questioned myself AGAIN why did I even come.To her house that is.I went over Amanda's today.And it was so boring,i was bored out of my fuckin mind.But i felt lonely too,and at the moment suicide just flowed into mind.If I had a razor blade in my pocket,I probably wouldn't have tooken it out.But I would of thought about death at least.Wow,i would of thought of everything that came into mind.Cutting your throat,slashing your wrists,drowning,get hit by a car.

Almost anything just to get me away from everything.I've been sickly lately and because of that.I've been kinda out of it lately.I hardly eat,I don't do anything,.And I'm not as hyper and happy as I use to be.And I don't do as much.I've been laying down and just sighing and thinking of nothing really.Just depressed.I have a feeling this loneiness could lend to suicide or razors.I should probably try to contract that number that consuler gave me.Incase I wanted to talk to someone

Current Mood: sad

13th June 2004

shallow_memory7:24pm:

It's okay melba. I don't care about what you guys did, it doesn't matter anymore. The past is the past, right? Well melba remeber to call me when you do feel like that and also remeber that we all love you no matter what! ^.~

Current Mood: crazy

12th June 2004

ex_uchiha_sa3373:22pm:

I feel really terrible for what I did to Tori.One of my best friends now,probably the closest friend I got.She cares alot about me.And I love her alot.But I can never fully forgive myself for all that pain I caused her.Alot with the bunch too.No matter how cruel and mean we were she still stuck with us.And she's just amazing,.She's not one to stand up for herself or so.But still I can always stand up for her.I'm not one to stand up for myself at times either.But Tori is the greatest.Please Tori don't think of it.But if you have any thoughts like that please call me.I'm having them twice a day now.But nothing is going to happen.I think I'm going through depression because of Syris.Everything he does something I grow more depressed.But I live on knowing....something in my heart.But please don't think about it too much.If you need to talk to Yuki.

Current Mood: worried

10th June 2004

shallow_memory8:09am: those sane enough to emmit to themselfs that they are self-mutalators

Yo! I thought about suicide for many days up to my cutting, the reason I did it was because I thought that my friends hated me. They gave me dirty looks, made fun of me, and acted like I was noone and that they could just walk over me just like that.Well, to tell the truth they could. I wasn't a girl to stand up to people, even more so I was afraid it would just make it worse.so one day all the pain finally reached the top and at night around nine O'clock I took a razor and cut myself. the next day at school I showed my friends and one that I didn't show wrote a letter to me  telling me to stop cutting. That got tooken away. In second hour I got called down to the office they found out. In the long run i was glad that ummmmmm I'll call her shuichi, I'n the long run I was glad that shuichi wrote that letter and I thanked her for it. Since then me and my friends are still friends, even though they did that shit to me I still forgive them. I have thought about suicide but yuki and schuichi are always there to write something on my hand and say "think bunnies now' bitch!!!"Theyare always there to help me now and I love them.

 

 

~hiro nakano/tori aldridge

Current Mood: tired

8th June 2004

ex_uchiha_sa3378:01pm: Pained

For a reason my mind keeps tracing back to the memories of me slashing at my wrist.I kept cutting and crying while at it.Is that the pain?What everyone seems to talk about "slashing wrists?".Sucide is no fun at all,.I don't even want to start thinking of them thoughts again.But i can't and I hate myself when I start to give up when something goes wrong.Sucide just pops into my mind the second anything happens.I thought about slashing wrists today,but it didn't take long before I got my mind off it.Just an encouragement for readers out there.Don't back down.

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